Your coach will review your essay, improving the grammar and flow directly using track changes and offering additional advice in the comments. You’ll walk away with a polished essay, along with insight into how to improve your writing skills.
I have never been good at breathing.
When I was eight
8, I was diagnosed with asthma , a condition where your airways narrow and breathing is difficult. I had had pneumonia a few months before, and despite having recovered, I still often had trouble breathing. I missed a good portion of third grade – (it took years afterward s to fully master the times tables the class had covered in my absence – ) and felt generally bad for almost a year. By the time my parents and I met with Dr. Bisberg, who diagnosed the problem, it was a reliefI felt relieved to simply have an answer.
themy troubles didn’t end there. My asthma wasn’t well-controlled, so I felt physically ill and made trips to the ER on several occasions in the following year. Sometimes I even needed to spend the night which was definitely scary as a young kid. When I finally returned to school after a two long absence, the other kids weren’t psychedeager to have me return. I was bullied for being “a “ghost” (absent all the time), for having to leave class multiple times a day for medication, and for the inhaler that I carried around everywhere. I felt weird, dumb, and, most of all, lonely. What’s more, my little sister would get jealous because of all the attention I was receiving. I couldn’t win on any side and my life was spirally into a disaster: I couldn’t breathe and no one liked me- not even my own sister!
But all that changed the next summer. My mom signed me up for Camp Breathe, a sleepaway summer camp for children with severe asthma. There, I wasn’t an oddball for using an inhaler
–-— all the cool kids had them. Even my nebulizer –-— a loud, bulky machine that I had to used twice a day to take my asthma medication –-—was no biggie big deal at Camp Breathe.
The other girls in my cabin were just like me. They knew all about my health struggles because they had the same health struggles. Unlike the kids at school,
the kids at campmy fellow campers were kind and understanding. I wasn’t bullied, and neither, to my knowledge, was anyone else: we had all had enough experience as outsiders to know how damaging it can be.
After my experience at camp, I switched schools and made new friends. I returned to Camp Breathe for the next
three3 years and made many wonderful memories. Now, I rarely worry about my health. I even play varsity volleyball and dance on the dance team at school. I don’t think about having asthma on a daily basis, but the lessons I learned at Camp Breathe –-— how to forge strong friendships, work as part of a team, accept people with differences, and make the best out of every situation –-— will stay with me for life.
You can expect your readers to be familiar with what asthma is, so this definition here isn’t necessary.
You’ve already done a great job of describing your situation, so I’d suggest streamlining the text here to keep the focus on the most important details. This will not only help you meet your word count limit but also ensure that the essay stays focused on your current strengths and qualities, rather than a past hardship.
You might want to expand on what changed after camp that made it easier to make new friends. Was it really just that your situation changed, or did you also develop new skills and qualities that made your situation easier?
Great sentence here! I really like this because it demonstrates your values and character traits. To make this section even stronger, consider using real-life examples to demonstrate how you put these traits into practice.
Along with the edited essay, you’ll receive a note from your coach that answers your questions and explains specific steps you can take to strengthen your essay.
Thanks for sending your essay to Scribbr. You’re a great storyteller, and your story definitely draws readers right in!
As you’ll see, I’ve focused on reducing the word count and making space for extra details, which you mentioned was your main challenge. I’ve also checked that your grammar and tone are appropriate throughout.
My main recommendation is to add a few more real-life examples in the second half of the essay so you’re “showing, not telling” what you learned from your childhood experiences. This will also give you space to say more about who you are. All in all, you have a strong draft on your hands.
You’ll find in-depth feedback on your essay’s narrative, structure, and content in the checklist. Best of luck with your application!
Do you have a clear and well-structured narrative?
You have a generally well-structured narrative – and a great opening line! Since you are over your word count, I’ve helped to streamline the story by cutting some unnecessary details.
Your story is compelling, but since you’re discussing events that must have happened eight or nine years ago, I’d recommend being very selective in which details from that period you decide to share. That way, you’ll have space to also paint a picture of who you are today – which is ultimately what the admissions officers are most interested in.
Is the writing style appropriate for a college essay?
The writing style was appropriate, although I’ve cut a few redundant expressions. For example, it’s not necessary to refer to both “discussions” and “conversations” in the same sentence, since both terms mean the same thing. In an essay this short, every word counts, so it’s important to be concise.
Does your story demonstrate positive traits and authenticity?
You do a great job of being vulnerable and real with readers – I especially liked how you opened up and were honest about how you felt excluded as a kid. Everyone, regardless of whether they have asthma, can probably relate to those feelings, and you made yourself come across as more real in this way.
However, you could go further in illustrating the strengths, qualities, and values of the present-day you. You can do this most effectively through including examples of events or moments that showcase those traits, and I’ve left comments in the text indicating where this technique could be especially effective.
Does your story demonstrate self-reflection and insight?
You have a well-crafted narrative here, but it could go further in terms of demonstrating self-reflection and insight. You could do this by more explicitly showing readers how you put the lessons you learned at camp into practice.
For example, when you switched schools after your first summer at camp, what made it easier to make friends: Was it really just the new school, or did you have a new attitude or confidence that also helped? Or perhaps you could share a real-life story about how you put the lessons from camp into practice by, say, befriending a lonely student or persevering in another difficult situation.
Your coach will provide an in-depth content review designed to help you showcase strong writing skills and personal qualities that admissions officers expect to see from college-ready applicants.
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We know that waiting for feedback can be nerve-racking. If you select our faster deadline option, you’ll hear from your personal statement editor in 12 hours or less – including on weekends and holidays.
We never engage in rewriting or adding text at Scribbr. Our personal statement editors will make grammatical corrections and leave suggestions using Word’s track changes and commenting feature. However, we always make sure that your perspective and voice remain front and center in your essay.
We know that waiting for feedback can be nerve-racking. If you select our faster deadline option, you’ll hear from your college essay coach in 12 hours or less – including on weekends and holidays.
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Yes! Our essay coaches can help you reduce your word count by up to 25%. You can choose to receive this feedback through direct edits or suggestions in comments – just select your choice when you upload your essay.
When you submit your essay to our College Essay Editing & Coaching service, you’ll be asked to indicate what type of content feedback you would like to receive. You can choose from three options:
Whichever option you choose, you’ll receive in-depth content feedback from your essay coach. However, the type of feedback your essay coach provides may differ, and the option you should choose depends on what outcome you want from the review. You can always elaborate on what type of feedback you want in your note to your essay coach.
Learn more about the three options below.
Dig deep and challenge me
If you choose this option, we’ll challenge you to write the best possible essay – no content suggestions are off-limits, including reorienting your topic or reframing your story. Students who choose this option aren’t afraid to go back to the drawing board if it’ll increase their chances of getting accepted. You may have to roll up your sleeves and do some more work on your essay, but your essay will be much stronger because of it.
Select this option if your priority is to have the best possible essay, even if it requires some extra work on your side.
Give me the standard treatment
We’ll strike a balance between “dig deep and challenge me” and “tread lightly.” We may suggest changes to your structure and narrative, including removing weak content, elaborating on certain sections, and adding content to strengthen your arguments. You may have to rework sentences and paragraphs, but we won’t suggest major content changes.
With this option, we’ll focus on improving your essay in a way that requires little additional work from you. We’ll provide you with targeted suggestions for how to refine your essay’s structure and narrative, but we will work within your current structure and topic. While you may have to make a few tweaks here and there, we’ll aim to return you a polished draft that’s ready to be submitted to your chosen colleges.
Select this option if you are fairly satisfied with your essay and don’t want to make major changes or if you have limited time to revise.
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